The Secret Life of a Canna-Mom
When you are a parent, there is a certain level of sacrifice that you sort of come to terms with pretty early on. You learn to accept your new “mom bod” and you learn to live without sleep and you realize that there is no such thing as “PRIVACY” ever. Things you took for granted before become things you really come to appreciate later, like going to the bathroom without an audience.
Truth be told, I have been a mom for six years and counting. I thought at this point, I would start to regain some of the privacy I lost as he got older. I am learning that is not the case. A little over a year ago now, I took a huge leap and got my medical marijuana card to help me treat and manage my various health issues:anxiety disorder, bouts of depression, PTSD and fibromyalgia, just to name a few. Getting off of the pharmaceuticals was not an easy conclusion to come to. My choices are not my own, as a parent my choices affect more than just myself. We live in a world that has such a stigma surrounding marijuana, A main concern was how I would be received by those I shared my personal medical choices with. I was also concerned about what my son would think, how he would respond and what he would say to his father.
Let me be clear, I am not ashamed of my chosen course of treatment. I feel like I have a new lease on life. I feel more active and healthier since kicking big Pharma to the curb. Kicking the pills was so difficult! It took months to detox and to get myself to a point where I wasn’t sweating out chemicals and itching for my klonopin or something for the pain. Medical marijuana isn’t a perfect cure, you have got to stay high nearly all the time to keep most symptoms at bay, but that is easier said than done with a little one in tow.
My son isn’t entirely sure what is different about me, but he knows that I am somehow different. Our medicine cabinet isn’t over flowing with pill bottles, I’m not nearly AS tired as I was when I was taking pharmaceuticals, I am certainly not in that fog anymore. You know, that groggy never well rested, can’t remember anything, having the same conversation twenty times and still no clue what you’re talking about fog. I’m sharper and less sad. I always felt that I couldn’t escape my depression when I took antidepressants, but here I am clear minded for the first time in years!
The down side to this though is, when I have my son I don’t have the privacy I need to medicate. I feel guilty over stepping out side to medicate because I feel like those ten minutes are being taken away from time I could spend with him. So, during the school year when he is here for a week to ten days, it’s a struggle to stay moving, but I know it’s only a few days and I push through the time. I figure out a way to run without medicine. I’ll smoke maybe once or twice a day, but more often than not it is more like once if at all, and after he has gone to bed, when I can sneak out to my car and sit in dark silence for fifteen minutes. Afterwards I quickly spray air freshener in the car, lock up, run inside and shower before checking on him and giving him one last kiss and going to bed myself.
It’s not enough to offer much relief and after he leaves I usually crash for a week or two while I try to regain control of my life and my symptoms.
This past summer was a real test. I had him home for six weeks. I pushed myself through the best I could but I pushed too hard like I often do. At the end of our time together I was so burnt out, I have lost almost two months now. I’ve been in the emergency room several times and had to go back on medication. I feel like a failure.
It is hard to find balance in a world filled with so much stigma and stoner shame. I can get through the day without smoking. I’m not an addict. I don’t have withdrawals, but I suffer. I don’t have the luxury of being able to live openly about my life, because there are too many people out there that want to fabricate stories and make me suffer, but I know that I am not alone in my need to live this way. I really hope legalization or decriminalization happens soon so that everyone can live openly and is able to medicate as they need to without fear.